• December 18, 2017

Something I find so comforting is the stories shared on a podcast I love to listen in on occasionally while I get dressed for the day or just can’t possibly find a way to close my eyes to rest. The podcast is called ‘Dear Sugars’ and the episode that led me to share this to you was their Dec 9 “Just Say It” episode.

The first story shared was about a secret that needed to be surfaced to a loved one. But this secret would hurt this individual and their relationship with the one who needed to confess it. The narrrative of this story was so relatable to my own life experiences, especially in my love life.

I have come to terms with the idea of a strong relationship and what loyalty truly means in the name of “love”. For me, this idea was at first nothing more than a choice that was just too hard for me to put first when confronted with my own insecurities and mistakes. I hated the idea of being 100% honest. It’s stupid, really. Why should being completely honest to my partner have to be so hard? Oh yeah, it was because I wanted everything to be perfect. Relationships don’t have to be messy; therefore they don’t need to be completely transparent, I thought. I can think what I think and still manage my days holding some things to myself because it’s what I’ve always known.

Big mistake.

How stupid of me to think holding thoughts and feelings inside would ever result in progression of peace and happiness? Sometimes I question if I really was who I thought I was. Or did I just force a concept onto my blank canvas (i.e soul).

For a long time I believed in staying true to myself but that never constituted for how I presented myself to others. It’s a shame how devoted I was to that idea of self. I was okay with not really allowing others to see me for who I am in fear of rejection or just disconnect.

But that is not who I am anymore. I have sworn to stay true to myself and finally, others. The transition has been rough I cannot lie. The struggle of insecurity yet remains whenever I begin conversation or input my thoughts and actions in forms to express myself to the ones I love. Sometimes I think I should stop being so sad over what others see in me. Pfft I take that back; I ALWAYS tell myself to stop.

I hate lying and I hate being lied to. I swear to god I believe karma will bite me in the ass one day or maybe it already has; I will be lied to or fronted and it will break my soul. Possibly shake my entire world and all I thought of it. Please please whatever whoever allow me to make peace with my past and just move on. Tired of beating myself over this concept of lies and holding back. I want my life to be real and so inclusive. I welcome beliefs and criticism all the same. I don’t want to live in pretend. I’m ready now to see everything beyond face value.