• June 10, 2018

I’m doing that thing again where I tweet a million things all at once because I feel like no one is listening. Thus leads me to make a post on this account explaining my existential crisis. So yeah, I’m back to square one on this race to feeling good enough -again.

I know it’s not ridiculous to feel urges to know you are loved, but it is irrational. I don’t need it; I want it. I want to always feel like I’m on top of the world and people are oohing and awing at my very graceful presence. Not that I’m used to that, anyways….

Some nights and some days I just feel like I’m not valued the way I want to be valued. I’m not admired the way I would like to be admired. I am not understood as the person I would like to be understood as.

I think there’s always a misstep in first impressions and it leaves me at an odd in trying to accept the identity in which people characterize me as.

Most times, not always, I’m labeled complicated. Even from “very introspective” individuals; you know, the ones who believe in all that divine stuff. But for once in my life I’d like to feel…-no, I would like to KNOW that if someone sees me and believes in me, they can say ‘Luna is incredible’.

“And there is something so wonderful in the way she sees the world through those little brown eyes. Terribly optimistic but always remains grounded and rooted in her sense of judgement. She’s selfless and kind and cares so much but I know she hurts sometimes because she thinks nobody loves her the way she loves her.”

But I’m reaching, right? Why would anybody on earth say such things. To them, to all, I am just as much as what I speak and what I do. I am not my thoughts or desires to another person. I am just a figment in their reality.

I believe I am the way that I am because I was always meant to see the world in third person. It could be the most bizarre thing in the world but I think it is what makes me wonderful. I would use the term retrospective but I use it only loosely.

I just have to remember that at the end of the day and at the end of this post, I accept myself and that is what truly matters.